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Author’s note: Normally I schedule these posts in advance, but I wanted to write this one unfiltered, so I published it immediately instead.  I might go back and fix some things, but I haven’t edited my words at all for grammar and flow.  

Just an hour ago, I had an autistic meltdown.  What made this one special is that it’s the “first.”  I’m sure I’ve had them many times before, but this is the first time I’ve been able to identify one, thanks to my research on my Asperger’s diagnosis.  Although I’m still unsure whether I’m emotionally capable of talking about it, I want to analyze what happened so I can recognize similar triggers and avoid some future meltdowns.

I can easily point to the source of the meltdown.  I was having a fruitful conversation with a blog owner about their post on privilege and labels, and then the conversation suddenly shifted in tone when someone new jumped in.  I took offense to what this new person said about me, and his further posts just added to the anxiety.  I told him as much, and I asked the blog owner to intervene.  I was at a critical point where any more stress would cause me to lash out uncontrollably.  I wanted to disengage, but I was getting emails whenever something new was posted, and when the blog owner took his side, the anxiety became too much.

I lashed out while I still had some level of function, and then I just sat there, depressed and physically numb.  I wanted to step away from my computer and lie down in bed, but I had no control over my body.  I remember feeling scared that my clinical depression may have relapsed, but I was able to type a few things on Twitter during my numbness.  I don’t remember what those things were, and I can’t put a reason behind sharing any of those tweets even now.  It felt like things were happening to me, and I could do nothing about it.

I think it took about 20 minutes for the feeling to pass, but I couldn’t say for sure as I had no sense of the passage of time during the experience.  I’m feeling mostly better now that I’ve had my quiet moment, but it was scary having no control over my actions like that.  I’m still in the “reboot” phase, so my coping strategies are still restoring themselves.

I’d like to share some resources before I end this post:

I’m feeling the effects of mental exhaustion now, and I really need sleep, so I’m cutting this post short.  I’m going to go to bed, and hopefully tomorrow will be better.